For Today's Daily Dose Click Here Daily Dose of Crap December 31 Another year has bitten the calender dust. 2002 is almost gone and 2003 is lurking just around the corner. Will it be a better year? Of course we eternally optimistic Americans think so. We think all we need is another year and the world be saved from evil. I want to propose today that we stop. We take a collective break and ask ourselves is it our business? Some of it is and some of it isn't. I say if it isn't, we back off and let the parties implode as all the tyrants usually do. But if it is, let us not wait another day. Let us not wait another hour. Let us act today. Tips for a good New Years Day
We hope these help you have a safe and Happy New Years. Happy New Years from Dave and J Pat and the rest of Club Husband!
December 23 Club Husband's Tips For a Safer Christmas
We hope these tips help you have a safe Christmas. For last minute ideas check here! December 20 Twas' the week before Christmas when all through the store Not a person was friendly except an old whore. There was clothing hung by the registers with care In hopes no one would notice they were made of rat hair. The employees were all busy coughing and croaking They must have been on break because they were smoking. Then in the back of the shop where the curtains are pink There was a consumer raising a stink She was short and red faced and little bit fat She had a coat on that looked like a dead cat. She gave out a yell then a loud scream She woke several cashiers who were in day dream She wanted an object that was all sold out The manager replied why don't you get the hell out She fussed and she fumed as she walked to the door She ranted and raved, I won't shop here no more. He yelled at her as she gave up the fight Merry Christmas to you and have a good night!
December 19 Submitted by a reader I’m getting married!!! Seriously, who knew! I promised myself that the next relationship I got into I was playing for keeps, boy am I ever!!! I have only known my fiancée just short of three months. It feels as though I have known him my whole life. He completes me, makes me feel whole, The emptiness has been fulfilled. He’s amazing, not your typical guy, He’s awesome, warm, caring, sensitive, loving. He fills the void deep within, captivating my heart and soul. He brings out the best in me, even though I am still an emotional basketcase. He makes me smile inside and out. I am happy! This experience has been a good start and I am now ready to plant my roots, retire my packsacks and settle down. I proposed to him and I have no regrets, this feels so right. I put him to the test, two weeks of hell I know, but I had to prove to myself that this time around, this relationship was based on more than just sex, or lust. I have to learn to keep my attitude in check, to relax and go with the flow, to enjoy this feeling, he loves me unconditionally, and I feel the same. It’s funny how your whole life can change with one simple kiss. All I ever wanted was to find true love, and I have, and better yet I’m actually getting married. It’s funny how things work out. These feelings all new o me shock my system, My head, heart, and hormones are in sync and I feel incredible. I am confident that the future will be bright and our life together wonderful. My Grandmother was right when she said to me not to give up on love, on life, that I will know when he’s the one, I will feel it. I have! He believes in me, encourages me to follow my dreams, my ambitions that I thought faded have resurfaced once again, and I am inspired. I still have these feelings deep within that I have put on ignore for the past few years, trying to rehash what was once there. The little girl in me has resurfaced and I feel calm, anxious and loved. Ready to face the future, ready to now deal with whatever is thrown at me. The world is my playground. Anticipating our wedding day, I love him so much, trying to settle in our new place, I am so tired, but this is a beginning to a wonderful fairytale, and I had to kiss a lot of toads to find my prince. Chance brought us together and there’s no place I would rather be, his smile captivates me and I have no worries. Things happened a little fast, but I know in my heart that this is worth it. My smile says it all! We'll see how she feels after he forgets to take out the trash! J Pat December 18 I finally finished my Christmas shopping last night. What exactly is the maximum capacity of a Wal-Mart? I think we were over by about two hundred people yesterday. But I think Wal-Mart knew they were going to be close and planned ahead by using only half their work force. These Wal-Mart people are brilliant. I never would have thought of giving half my employees the day off this close to Christmas. It was also a master stroke for employee morale by letting the ones that did work use all the parking places within a mile of the store. December 17 I can not tell you how shocked I am about Senator Lott's comments at Strom Thurmond's birthday party. Can you imagine a senator from Mississippi who is favor of segregation? What the hell is the world coming to? The next thing you know a liberal will be elected in California. To tell you the truth the comments he made didn't bother me as much as the fact that Thurmond is still a U.S. Senator. This old fossil has the abilities of a turnip and we are paying him 150 grand a year to sit in the Senate. What Lott said was that the world would have been a better place if Thurmond would have been elected to the Presidency when he ran against Truman. I don't give a crap what he meant by that, I'm just appalled that this guy ,Thurmond, is supposedly still making decisions that affect our lives. Let me say it again. He ran against Truman! He was old enough to run for the Presidency in 1948! Think about it. He ran against Truman and President Truman has been dead for thirty years and the man lived to be eighty-eight years old. But at least now I can take solace in the fact that he is retiring this session. I guess even he know he's been in office too long when a Senator from the forward thinking state of Mississippi endorses his ideas. Submitted by a reader Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles an hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup!!! It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, burned Big Jim & the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL. WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!!!!!!! Submitted by a reader Subject: How We Survived? Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have. As children we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. Our baby cribs were painted with bright colored lead based paint. We often chewed on the crib, ingesting the paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda, but we were never over weight; we were always outside playing. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't work hard so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. That generation produced some of the greatest risk-takers and problem solvers. We had the freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. ~author unknown~
December 16 Submitted by a reader REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL! After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his knees, and resumed counting on his other hand.
December13 Friday the Thirteenth and me without a rabbits foot. Would a squirrel's foot work? There are several of those furry tailed rats in my yard. I could easily hit one with a rock and cut off his foot. I guess that would make Friday the Thirteenth unlucky for him. Tell me is unlucky to have your dog chase a black cat on the thirteenth? What if he runs into the road and gets hit by a car? Would that be bad luck for me or only the dog? Would it be tempting fate to tell you on this most dangerous day that I still think John Edwards should cross over and stay there? Exactly why is Friday the Thirteenth bad? I have heard it is because at the "Last Supper". There was thirteen and Christ was crucified on a Friday. But as I remember there was fourteen. Thirteen in the picture and someone holding the camera. We know this is true because the automatic timer hadn't been invented yet. I'd like to put forth my own theory. Friday is unlucky because television on that night is so crappy we all go out and it ups the odds that something bad might happen. I'm still working on the thirteen part , but I will come up with something. Did anyone catch Survivor last night? Is that some crap or what? The guy takes Helen to dinner and she still votes him off the island. How cold blooded is that? You are on an island with little food and someone takes you out to eat and a massage and you stab him in the back! What a cold hearted bitch. It just makes me think even more that the best way to win is to club your opponents to death in their sleep. Except for maybe one hot chick. But these jackasses aren't even smart enough to keep the sexy women so I'm sure they wouldn't comprehend my theory. Can you believe it? With the choices they had and the two women who are left are wrinkly Jan and dog faced Helen.Give me Erin (her luxury item was body paint)and Penny and I'll give you a show worth watching. December 12 Club Husband's Christmas List;
December 11 Club Husband's tips for a better holiday;
December 10 You would think a human is smarter than a bird but I have my doubts. Half of all humans spend the winter in the cold. Birds are smart enough to head south for the warmth every fall. So I say who is smarter? When was the last time you saw a bird shoveling snow from a sidewalk he never uses? When have you seen a bird scrape a windshield so he could drive on an ice covered road? Birds have brains the size of peas but they are smart enough to head for Florida before the snow flies. The only satisfaction I get from the cold is that the lawn doesn't grow. The only satisfaction I get from being dumber than a bird is to know that my cousin isn't the latest order of hot wings at Hooter's. Teach the birds a lesson and cook some Hooter Hot Wings tonight! Cold weather tip; Never pour hot water on a cold windshield unless you own a good pair of goggles. December 9 I want to be a federal airplane passenger inspector. This has got to be the best job in the world. You get to frisk people at your own discretion. How nice is that? Fat bald guy, no! Long legged blonde, yes! Old wrinkly grandma, no! Big breasted red head, yes! Six guys with holstered side arms don't have time to waste. Tight butted little blonde, could be hiding something. Time for a full body search, if nothing comes up, might have to probe the cavities. Is there a better job? If there is I'd love to hear about it. I was watching Regis and Kelly Lee this morning when I realized how good the airport guys have it. Kelly Lee was saying when she flew this weekend they made her step to the side to check her and her baby for weapons. Now a lot of times this would be enough to make it a good job. But right now Kelly is about seven months pregnant. Now I concede she is a cute seven months but seven months is seven months. Then she got to the part of her story about when they made her remove her sandals so they could check under her feet. That's when it hit me! If you can get away pretending that a nationally known celebrity who is seven months pregnant and carrying a baby is a threat imagine what you could do with a statuesque blonde. If Regis's diminutive pregnant sidekick is a potential problem you know that the six foot blonde is going to get a once over and if she is real hot a twice over. I have to admit that we live in a wonderful time. The world is in such a panic that not only are we allowing people to assault women at airports; we are paying them to do it! God bless America and the freedoms we ignore.
December 6 Snow has blanketed the Northeast and the weathermen couldn't be happier. What kind of sick individual gets joy out wrecked cars and frozen people. Meteorologists apparently. I haven't seen so many men smile since Jennifer Lopez attended an awards ceremony. The next time I spend an afternoon shoveling snow and I come inside and see one of those blow dried weathermen laughing about the weather they are going to get an icecycle where their satellite doesn't shine. They'll be so cold that when El Nino blows their ass will play Frosty the Snowman.
December 5 I'm already looking forward to spring. The birds come back. The flowers bloom. The coats come off and the halter tops reappear. Need something to hold you till spring try Heather
If anyone is dreaming of a white Christmas, I hope they are prepared to shovel my sidewalk. Dr. Phil says he who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. Who the hell is this guy? Confucius? More like, confusing.
I spent my afternoon shoveling snow while my wife spent her's on the couch wrapped in a blanket watching soaps. I like warm climates while she likes cold climates. I'm starting to catch on why she likes the cold weather better than I do. I'm not sure yet but give it a couple more winters and I might figure it out. It still beats the hell out of mowing the lawn.
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more December 4 I'm sitting on the edge of my seat. I saw a commercial and it said, tonight at 9 PM Diane Sawyer will have the most coveted interview of the year. Who can it be? President Bush? President Clinton? Maybe Hussein? Do you suppose she got a sit down with Bin Laden? My God, I can't wait! This could be Earth shattering. "The most coveted interview of the year" what can that mean. Will it change my life? Will it alter our future? Hold on I'm checking ABC's website. I checked and it said, the interview is with Whitney Houston. Whitney friggin' Houston! I didn't even know she was still working in show business. It's been so long since I've seen her on TV that I would have guessed she was waiting tables some where. Whitney Houston is the most coveted interview of the year? Who is the second most coveted? The guy that played Peter on the Brady Bunch. These clowns that run the networks need to get a grip on reality. The world believe or not does not revolve around Hollywood and the freaks that inhabit that city. It's winter and I have no friends south of the Mason-Dixon Line. I will have friends in the south again next spring but for now I refuse to associate with anyone who has better weather than me. Take that you bastard from Florida! I hope you sweat your balls into two little pools of scotch this Christmas. It's not that I really feel that way but this damn cold weather makes me irritable. You'd think I'd be in a better mood since I don't have to mow the lawn for the next four months but, hey, nobody's perfect. Can you believe it? While I'm writing this crap my wife is watching "The View". Guess what those dumb bitches think? That Whitney's interview will be the greatest thing on Earth. They just spent ten minutes discussing why it is important for the interview to air. You dumb ass women, get a clue. There is only one reason that the interview is important. Ratings! That is the only reason it will be on. So dumb asses like you will watch ABC for one hour tonight. In case you are in need of me that hour I'll be watching the end of the Celtics-76er game. It might not change the world either but at least it won't pretend to.
December 3 As Christmas nears the age old question again arises. Do I buy my wife clothes that are too big or too small? Too small makes her happy Christmas morning because she looks at the size and thinks, he does believe I'm still a four". Too big makes her happy Christmas night because when she tries it on she thinks, I knew it I'm not that big yet". I know I could buy her the right size but I'm too scared to ask that question. "Honey, how damn big are those pants?" "Dear, are your clothes comfortable when they are tight like that?" I might look stupid but I'm not suicidal. So I guess I'll just do what I usually do. Buy her appliances. She never uses them but at least it keeps me out of trouble.
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Makers December 2 I just saw that People Magazine had Shania Twain on the list as one of the worst dressed at the Country Music Awards. This has two explanations.
Either way they are idiots. For those of you who don't know, Shania wore a see through body stocking. How the hell can you think that Shania wearing anything see through is bad? How the hell can you think that Shania wearing a body stocking is bad? The only thing better would be Shania naked. Second thought maybe I do agree with the People magazine idiot. Shania that see through body stocking is not right for you. Take it off, take it all off!
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