I am the Coffee King

I recently saw a headline that got me excited – Who Drinks the Most Coffee?

I was sure I was finally going to get my due. I was finally going to be the King of the Beans. The media had done the research and undoubtedly I was going to be the answer to the headlines question.

I was wrong.

The article was just about what professions drink the most coffee;

1. Scientists and lab technicians
2. Marketing and public relations professionals
3. Education administrators
4. Editors and writers
5. Healthcare administrators
6. Physicians
7. Food preparers
8. Professors
9. Social workers
10. Financial professionals
11. Personal caretakers
12. Human resources benefits coordinators
13. Nurses
14. Government professionals
15. Skilled tradesmen, including plumbers and carpenters

Sure my profession was fourth on the list but that isn’t much solace, considering without me, they would be closer to one hundred than one. I drink enough coffee for a dozen writers so who isn’t guzzling their share? I am guessing the Mormons!

Can you imagine how much coffee I could drink if I cut out the tequila?

I could be the Joey Chestnut of hot beverages. The Babe Ruth of dark brews. The Larry Bird of coffee beans

I could replace scientists as the number one coffee drinkers!

Hey, wait!


Those guys are hopped up on caffeine?

This explains a lot about studies. No wonder every other study of everything is contradictory. These guys are too juiced up on the black gold to think straight. They don’t know if they are coming or going but they do know they are doing it real fast. Not the speed a person of science should be traveling.

I really don’t want people in charge of smashing atoms to be main lining Folgers or predicting my weather for that matter.

Yes I know meteorologists aren’t real scientists but they pretend to be. They also pretend they know what the weather will be tomorrow.

They might be a little more accurate if they weren’t insomniacs from all the Starbucks.

So science people lay off the coffee and do your job right.

And give me a chance at being number one next year!


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