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Some things to give you a chuckle......

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a

couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened....

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A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help? I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door UN-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.

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Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

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I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

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Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

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CONCLUSION:

"Life is tough. But it's a lot tougher if you're stupid."

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we

have......

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same

cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food

poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw

sometimes too, but I can't remember getting E-coli.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.

We played with toy guns, cowboys and Indians, army, cops and robbers, and used our fingers to simulate guns when the toy ones or my BB gun was not available.

Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't work hard so they faileda grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. That generation produced some of the greatest risk-takers and problem solvers. We had the freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), the term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and stayed in detention after school and caught all sorts of negative attention for the next two weeks. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles.

What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations.I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant lot, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot. He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of  antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) ... and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.

Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (remember why Tonka trucks were made tough... it wasn't so that they could take the rough berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.

Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall a friend from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

My Grandma (rest her soul) used to say "either shit or get off the pot". Do you ever wonder if anyone in the White House has ever heard this expression?

Saddam Hussein has proven time and time and TIME again to be a liar and a game player. He has the shit we don't want him to have, we know it and he knows we know.

We should have taken him out years ago. We have always tried to be the "nice guy" but ya know what......I don't think we should play fair any longer. After 9-1-1 the rules all changed.

Fu** with us and we will show you and anyone else that wants to know, why we are called the super power.

Lake Iraq sounds good to me....nice spot to vacation, in about 50 years. We are the best! We know we are the best. The whole world knows we are the best. But the world seems to have the impression that we are a bunch of "pussies"

So, with all do respect.....Mr. Bush, either shit or get off the pot!!!!!

I have a new hero in my life!!!!!!!

J. K. Rowlings

Yesterday they announced that her 5th (and long awaited) Harry Potter book

would be released on June 21st. Within hours of this press release her book

made the number one best seller list.....and it's not even off the press

yet!!!!!

She has done so well with her books that she is now the richest woman in

England (the queen is 2nd).

She started out as a poor single mom with an idea and has ended up the

richest woman in England in just a few short years.

She's my new hero.......you go girl!!!!

Star Search TV show?

Can I punch Naomi Judd in the face just once?

It's like a bad train wreck that I can't stop looking at.

Hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllp.....................I'm being sucked

into "bad TV land" and my brain is melting. Shit, as much as I hate to do

the laundry, I think I stand a better chance at being amused by the lint in

my kids pockets than I do watching the awful acts they are putting on this

show.

Are we at a time in our lives where the only thing that is on the 700

channels that we get is either news, cop shows or bad reality TV?

No wonder I have a headache most mornings.

Another year gone!!!

Where did the time go?

Another year older

I wonder if it shows.

My kids are getting bigger

My wrinkles getting longer

My husband getting lazier

and me....I just get stronger.

Stronger in my opinions

stronger in my ways

stronger in my bitch-e-ness

stronger every day

I didn't want to be a bitch

when I was a little girl

I wanted to be a dancer

To spin and twist and twirl.

but here I am

stuck in my ways

put that down

put that away

stop that noise

pick up those toys

come on home

leave me alone

turn that off

turn that down

clean your room

please sit down

stop it, stop it, stop it

no, no, no

this is what i say

this is how it goes.

Every day

day after day

same old shit

same "no pay"

they sit on their asses

surfing the net

making the messes

running up debt

fighting and biting

eating everything in sight

loud and noisy

night after night

So once again

at this time of year

I look back

and wipe a tear

another line on my face

another gray hair

but I wouldn't change a thing

Can't wait till next year.

Hope everyone out there in cyber land has a happy and safe 2003!!!!

Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was years ago) by ship. In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Bet you didn't know the history of that word.

Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.

Are you drinking enough?

We all know that water is important but I've never seen it written down like this before.

75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.

In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.

Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.

One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.

Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.

Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less  likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

Of course, too much water may have serious side effects.....

Does beer count?    Tequila?   Hey you can't fault a guy for trying.    

                                                                                      J Pat

Is it just me or did Anna Nichol Smith turn into a whale?

Are people really watching this show of hers?

She is the most disgusting thing I've seen on television in a long time (including the open heart surgery show I once watched on the medical channel).

She's a cow!!!! An obnoxious, retarded, stupid, fat, did I mention hideous excuse of a person.

Who was the "rocket scientist" that decided the American people needed to see yet another reality show and even still, one about her daily routine.

I watched just one show and sat there the entire time with my mouth held open in disgust.

She was "humping" a head board, laying in bathtub (that was 2 sizes to small) with her legs wide open and then went to some special event in a blue dress that would have been tight on Twiggy let alone Anna squeeze her big ass into it.

Has she no pride? Does she not realize how hideous she is?

Sure I'll admit when she was the Guess girl and did her pictures for Playboy she was beautiful. But father time and mother nature have played an mean an nasty trick on her and now she is just a fat white chick with no education. They should have just put her on the Jerry Springer show with all the other "trash" and saved the time slot for more commercials.

Someone please........tell her!!!!!

I'm not sure. Do you think she likes the show? The guestwife shouldn't hide her feelings.

                                                                                              Editor

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What is it with husbands and “morning wood”?

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining and neither are any of my friends that I’ve talked to, but still I wonder.

Is it the fact that we girls could possible look that good in the morning….I doubt it?

Is it the fact that maybe your buzz has worn off and now “Willy” has sobered up and wants to play…..could be?

Or is it possible that what they say is true about men having a sexual thought about every 5 minutes and if you got 8 hours of sleep that would mean that you had approximately 96 sexual thoughts through out the night and now when you wake up your horned up better than any porno movie could do?.........I might have found the answer.

Well any ways, like I said, we are not complaining, we do enjoy a good morning pounding and usually we are happy to be a warm, non-responsive, receptacle of your love, but for gods sake…..when we have been up with the kids all night long while you slept and thought your happy thoughts, and we crawl dog-ass tired into bed at 2am,

DON”T wake us up and 4am with a tapping on our lower back and expect us to be glad that you have achieved diamond cutting status with your pecker! It’s called morning wood for a reason……wait until morning!!!!!

Love ya………..Sweet Dreams!

FROM A WIFE & MOTHER WHO CARES

A THOUGHT OF THE DAY……………..

Who are these ASSHOLES who keep messing with and taking our children?My heart breaks for the parents of Elizabeth Smart and all the other kids who were so abruptly taken from their family and friends. All the kids whose trust was violated by someone whom they looked up to.This is just my opinion but remember when you were a kid and people would tell you “pick on someone your own size”, well I would love to see one of these sick, perverted, pedophile assholes mess with some of the people I know! They don’t do it because they know that if they were to sneak into an adult bedroom late at night, they would be greeted with a shot gun to the temple. They know that if they tried to ask an adult if they “would like some candy” or “help them find a puppy”, we would likely tell them to go f--- themselves. They take advantage of the young and innocent. Even people who are supposed to be trusted (like a catholic priest) are taking advantage of them.

THIS IS WRONG!!!!! STOP PICKING ON OUR KIDS!!!!!

But I do have a solution, when the authorities catch these “scum-sucking dirt bags” we should allow the family members to publicly castrate them (the hard way) via shotgun and then we should take the tax payers money and ship them off to the deserts of Afghanistan to lick their untreated wounds in the hot sand instead of using our tax money to “house and educate” these bastards.

Leave our kids alone….If you need to feel like a big man why not try walking into a bar in the South or a Saloon out West and announcing that you’re a pedophile looking for some action and see what kind of “warm welcome” you get…..at least you’ll be dealing with people your own size.

Note from the Editor

I get the feeling that either a saloon or a redneck bar would be safer then letting her get a hold of them. She is definitely my kind of woman.

                                                        J Pat

JULY 1

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good except for the mind numbing headache that I somehow had gotten in my sleep. I stumbled to my morning drug, coffee…lots of coffee…that would certainly make me feel better, and it did. But as I read the paper worrying about the world and staring at the weeds in my lawn and thinking about weather or not the lawn mower had any gas in it, it hit me…..I was OLD!!! Why? When did this happen? When did I lose my “cool”? I was cool wasn’t I? Why was I sitting here thinking about my lawn and worrying about the night’s dinner at 9 in the morning? When did my lawn become so important to me? I used to think that it was funny that some people kept their garbage cans in a little shed area…now I think I might build one for my garbage cans. I used to think that Saturday morning was for cartoons and capt’n crunch cereal, now I think about mowing the lawn before it gets to hot? I have turned in to a “thirty-something” ADULT!!!!! A mortgage holding, tax paying, lawn mowing, shed building adult. So after the panic had passed I decided right then and there that I would prove to myself (and anyone else who crossed my path that day) that I was still cool! First victim….my youngest daughter. Although an easy mark, I was on a mission and no one was to escape. I told her a witty story of when I was her age, helped her catch a lizard that she had been chasing all morning and then played on the swing set with her. Maybe it was too easy but she was a believer….I am cool in her eyes. Next a tougher project, my teenage daughter. This was going to be a lot trickier. She was hip on all the latest things and I was just a person who could drive her places and hand her money. She rolled her eyes when I tried to tell her a witty story of when I was her age, She didn’t want to go outside and look at nature (she was too busy watching MTV), and as for swing sets….she just looked at me as though I had lost my mind. I pulled out all the stops. I would stop at nothing to prove my coolness. I demanded she come outside with me to “play”. Stomping and complaining all the way, dressed in black with arms folded she just stood there. She just stared at me as if to say “why are you ruining my life” and for the longest 30 minutes of my life I said cool things, thought cool thoughts, rode her cool bike and even bet her 5 bucks that I could ride her cool skateboard like I used to. This got her attention (but only because there was money involved). The next thing I remember she was standing over me laughing as though she had never laughed before and saying in a really sarcastic way, “cool, really cool”. So at the end of the day I learned that I am only “half cool” but I can still make them smile, even if it did cost me 5 bucks, all my self pride and to top it off…..my headache is back. Man do I feel OLD!!

                                                                                 Signed,

                                                                                  Guest Wife

Another Wife