Daily Dose August 31 Another month comes to an end. Where the hell did the summer go? It seems like just yesterday I was complaining because it was too hot to do yard work(for the wife's benefit). Now I can't do it because it's raining. What a shame. I'm thinking about letting my yard grow and telling the neighbors it's a rain forest and therefore protected by the environmentalists. Maybe I could get a couple tree huggers to chain themselves to the charcoal barbecue. I don't use that one much any way. I'd let them chain up to my Patio Kitchen gas grill but I don't want to hear the little bastards complain when I fire it up and singe off half their hair. Besides they probably wouldn't care much for all the red meat I barely warm with my grill that's powerful enough to melt the polar ice caps. My wife thinks buying such a powerful grill ,when I barely put the meat on their long enough to warm it ,was a waste of money. But I say hey I need it just in case and I have to usedthe side burner. Tip of the day; The side burner is perfect for lighting fire works on the fourth and cigars when you can get a good one.
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August 30 The baseball strike has been averted. Thank God I thought I was going to have to watch millionaires and billionaires fight over money until I threw up. It's hard to feel sorry for a guy hitting .240 that makes $500,000 a year. It's also hard to sympathize with a guy that says he went broke selling hot dogs for six bucks a piece. It was like watching two rich kids cry because they had to settle for Yale instead of Harvard. Make both sides do the grounds keeping for the rest of the season and maybe they'd all realize they have pretty good. Nothing like the smell of fresh fertilizer to clear a man's head.
August 29 Could we have a national vote on legalizing the drowning of lawyers. I would like to cast the first vote. I would also like to propose the drowning takes place in boiling water. It's not that I dislike lawyers as people it's just that I feel they should be exterminated like fleas or leaches or any other species that live off the blood of another living thing. Of course a law would never take place because we would need a lawyer to write the law. Four lawyers would have to interpret the law. A former lawyer that wears a dress and insists on being called "Your Honor", even though he is the most unhonorable person you have ever met, would have to referee the four lawyers. Then a panel of dress wearing former lawyers would have to review the first dress wearers decision. And so on and so forth until the only people that would benefit from the drowning of lawyers would of course be the lawyers. You know I just can't figure out what is wrong with the American legal system. But it does remind me of a hillbilly wedding where everyone including the bride and groom are related. August 28 When did men start drinking blue drinks? Doesn't anyone but me realize men are supposed to drink brown drinks. With a few exceptions all men's drinks are brown. Vodka and silver tequila being the exceptions that come to mind immediately. But with those excluded ,for God sakes, men drink brown. I have written a list of drinks that are universally accepted as men's drinks. scotch tequila bourbon beer mescal The following list is not accepted; anything with fruit in the name anything less than 80 proof red drinks blue drinks drinks with umbrellas(unless you are on vacation on an island with topless natives) schnapps, unless it is beer backed(if you mix schnapps with anything put on a dress) Men this is a general guideline. Do try to follow it. The only time you will see a Club Husband man break these rules will be in hopes of getting sex. Yes it is ok to go off the brown diet if it means you score.But if you are sitting around a bar drinking fruity blue drinks you might want to double check the package before you open it. Who the hell knows what kind of fish you'll catch if you use that kind of bait. Yes fruity drinks draw fruity people. Brown drinks draw tan, long legged women. Trust me I've done the research. You'll thank me in the morning!
August 27 The drought has broken. My area went dry longer than a mormon on mission. Thank God I went camping this week or we might never have got rain. Nothing like spending a long weekend in a tent to bring the rain. The only thing worse than camping in the rain is coming home to a lawn that got it's first water in a month. So now my dry brown lawn is a moist almost green lawn. It is also about shoulder high to a cat. So now I must mow it and if I am quick enough the cat too. Don't worry no one will miss one more cat and if they do. I haven't seen it. The fur all over my lawn is a new fertilizer I'm using. It's called "calico crap". That's my story and I'm sticking to it. August 26 Half shirts. Bare midriffs. Tummy shirts. Belly shirts. A half shirt by any other name is still a half shirt. But by half shirt I do not mean a shirt that is worn by someone too fat for it to cover half their fat belly. A belly shirt is to be worn by women who have no belly. I know it's confusing but trust me it's worth learning. It is not to be worn if your belly hangs over your pants. I don't care how young you are or how big your hoo-hoos are. It is only to be worn if you can look down and see you feet. Not just your toes but your whole foot. I am tired of going out to eat and losing my appetite because some SharPei of a woman walks by wearing a belly shirt and all I can see is a waist land of white flesh. It is especially disturbing if she is sixty years old. Listen Grandma leave the sexy wear to the young. This is the one exception to the foot rule. You may be able to see your feet but if those feet remember The Second World War wear something that covers your wrinkly old lady stomach so I don't lose mine. Christ almighty doesn't anyone own mirrors any more? Can't we get a government program to make mirrors mandatory? If we can force people to mow their lawns can't we force them to buy mirrors? We could make up some horseshit about if they keep wearing gross inappropriate clothes it will make my property values drop. After all isn't property values the one thing that even trumps the Constitution. What the hell is wrong with stomping the crap out of personal freedoms if it is in the name of property values. So there you have it. We will pass a law requiring you to check yourself in the mirror. That will take care of the problem. Certainly if these fashion idiots see themselves they would never leave the house looking like they do. If that doesn't work we could impose a burka law for all women who violate the laws of fashion. I could be the judge of what looks good. (topless women) If you do not meet my standards ,cover up or prepare to be dealt with in the name of property values. After all why should these people be allowed to wear things that I don't like? What the hell do they think? That they live in America?
August 25 I just spent the last five days at an amusement park in the middle of Pennsylvania. It is named Knoebels and it is a wonderful place if you don't want to spend much money on those pint sized people we call kids. It is the number one rated amusement park for families in America but I do have one request. Put a weight limit on those damn scooters you rent. Have you ever been run over by an electric scooter being ridden by a four hundred pound woman. It is not pleasant. First of all the sight alone is enough to make you puke. A little tiny vehicle being totally engulfed by blubber. When they go by you it looks like a sea of flab jiggling down the road. I run when see them coming. Not because of the sight but because I'm afraid the tires will burst and blow off my legs. It is dangerous. It frightens me! Don't these women get a clue? If you are too fat to walk why in the hell are you are in an amusement park? Get to the gym you lard ass. What ride do you think you are going to fit in? I saw the horses on the merry-go-round stampede when one tried to crawl her fat ass onto one of their wooden backs. Please don't rent any more scooters to these people. Do the right thing and save them for the handicapped. If they insist on coming to the park and they are too fat to walk rent them some kind of vehicle that takes human power to propel it. A pedal car or something. It would do them a favor to pedal their immenseness around the park a few hundred laps. It would also do me a favor. I could save my puking for the roller coaster where it belongs.
August 20 I have seen hell and it's called "The View". Where the in God's green earth did they find these five idiots? Barbara Walter's? Thats easy, they obviously dug her up out of some old folks home for dried up celebrities.. Starr Jones? Probably an all you can eat rib joint. The young asian one? Maybe a college for dip shits. Joy?(I think thats her name) She is actually not too bad but severely out of touch. Found her in a PTA somewhere on Long Island is my guess. The leader Meredith must be paid a great deal of money to put up with these idiots. She is okay. Why the hell she lets them bill the show as Barbara Walter's show while she does all the work is beyond me. Dump these losers you don't need them. I can not let my wife watch this show again! We must get back to watching my favorite show "The Price Is Right". Thats right I like Bob Barker. In fact he is my hero. Look at the guy. He is about 140 years old, still working. Doing what he loves while he surrounded by better babes than Hef himself. My kinda guy!
Are you coming up short? Does your wife long for more excitement? We at Club Husband have the answer. We can guarantee results. We can enlarge your penis instantly! Click here for results! August 19 When is the last time someone received good service? Isn't that a shame in our service based economy? It seems to me the more we do become service based as a nation the worse the service gets. I can't remember the last time I got good service in a restaurant. In fact I could write from now till next week and not run out of examples of bad service I have received this year alone. And don't get me started on the two dollar soft drinks and dollar fifty coffees. You'd think charging those kind of prices you could get a second cup but I usually don't unless I specifically ask for it and then remind the server three times. It's almost amusing when they ask "may I refill that drink?" and I say "yes" but they don't do it. It's like they were taking a poll and not actually offering me more refreshment. The only thing more irritating is when a certain cow boxed computer company tells you on the phone that they have an award winning support team but then they give the worst service you could imagine. They might want stop bragging long enough to actually help someone. I can give them some help right now. The answer to ever technical problem is not, I repeat not, to reformat the hard drive. Maybe it's just me and the rest of the world gets great service. I don't think I'm that hard to please. All I want is a second cup of coffee and a computer that doesn't crash before I finish it. It's too bad some of these companies don't reformat their service department. To you companies out there let me know if you ever want to. Because I know the number to the cow. They assure me thats all it will take. I'm sure we can believe them after all they have won some awards. At least thats what I was told right before they destroyed every file I owned. In other words I was screwed again!
August 18 Wives! Can't live with 'em. Against the law to shoot 'em. Just kidding of course. Where would we be without our lovely wives? Hooters? Babes R Us? Bambi's House of Fun? Probably all of these or just lying at home with a stack of porno tapes and a quart of tequila. Can you imagine the trouble we would get in without our wives? All those dumb ideas we've had that no one would have steered us clear of like our dear sweet wives do. All those times we were invited to do something stupid with our friends and we were able to tell them "I can't my wife won't let me". When in all reality she never even knew we got invited. We never told her because we were afraid she let us go with the idiots in an attempt to get our big ass print off the couch. Our wives do save us from a lot. But is all that worth it? The lawn mowing. The light bulb changing. The trash emptying. The rodent fighting. The occasional sex. The occasional sex! Yes I guess it is worth it. You aren't going to find any other woman stupid enough to have sex with you in exchange for changing a light bulb. Trust me when I was single I asked around. Most women want a whole lot more than an occasional dead mouse in exchange for naked wrestling. So I guess for what we get out of marriage mowing an occasional lawn is worth it. Just do me a favor and don't tell my wife or she'll have me trimming the hedges too!
August 17 I have just realized I'm middle aged. I realized this when I looked in the mirror and saw both grey hair and acne. When did this old guy with pimples show up in my mirror? Is that what I look like? What happened to the dark blonde hair that was too long. The guy in the mirror is short of hair and what he does have looks darker than mine ever was. The smile is familiar and the eyes look like mine except they are framed in glasses. Can it be true I have become old? Not too old, not ancient. I still play sports. Not in organized leagues but I do play. I still have fun. I have friends but they kind of look old too. I don't see them as much as I'd like too. We are all so busy it's hard to get together. But when we do they look old to me. But no older than I look to them. I do hope that they feel like I do when we are together. I feel young with them. We tell stories of when we had energy. When we drove fast cars and stayed out all night. Before the kids ruled our time. Do you suppose we were ever young? Do you think we really had as much fun as we remember? It seems so long ago. Sometimes I wonder if any of it really happened. I guess the only way to be sure would be to ask that guy in the mirror. He looks old and wise.
August 16 Why do fat people get to park in handicapped spaces? Isn't this just compounding the problem. The last thing they need is less exercise. I think it is especially ridiculous at restaurants. Do they really need more incentives to eat? I'm not thin but at least I can still waddle up to the buffet door by myself. I think that is a good measure of fitness. When I can no longer get to the "All You Can Eat ,You Self Indulgent Pig, Buffet" door without help, it is time to drop a couple of pounds. So let us unite in an effort to make special parking for the poundage impaired. Let us resolve to put their spaces in the back row so they can get the exercise they so badly need. Besides with them parking in the back there is no way they are going to beat me to the buffet line this week! August 15 I read a study today that married men live longer than single men. Do married men really live longer or does it just seem like it?
August 14 I am a firm believer in Satan. Now don't get me wrong I am not a Satan worshiper. I do not belong to any Satanic cults. But I do believe in the existence of the Devil. I also have proof he exists. The proof is mostly circumstantial but it is overwhelming. Just look at the facts. A man with Howard Stern's looks has a television show Tom Arnold has had several shows Carrot Top is allowed to live Joe Morgan does play by play for ESPN Congress is a paid position Anna Nicole Smith has a show Barbara Walters is a "news person" Oprah is Oprah Jay Leno gets better ratings than David Letterman If all these aren't examples of Devil deals what are they? I could go on for days and I might if you don't stop me so; Send me yours at pat@clubhusband.com
August 13 Another day another 100 degrees. This summer has been hotter than a priest watching Little League. I read this morning that the Church is going to start using glass booths for confessionals. I just would like to make one suggestion. Fill it with water.
I'm not a religious expert but is anyone really surprised that priests have
been molesting boys? I don't know about you but when I'm interviewing babysitters
for my sons I cross off all middle age men that wear dresses to work and
have sworn off women for life.Maybe I'm prejudice but by not hiring those
guys I figure I'm doing them a favor by saving them a big ass kicking. If
you want to have real fun go to a Little League or Boy Scout meeting and
introduce your next leader with the same qualifications that make you a priest.
But before you do you might want to make sure the fire exit is unlocked. I love "The Man Show" but our Sweet Spots could beat the hell out of The Juggies in a fair fight. August 10 Never ask your wife; Have you gained weight or does that dress make you look fat? Is that a new haircut or did the weed wacker get away from you? Did you spill the charcoal briquettes or have you been baking again? The seat in my truck is smashed have you been driving it? That lipstick is nice did you get it at Sluts R Us? Do you think your boobs would look that big if your ass wasn't so fat? Did you cook this or find in an incinerator? Did you forget to pluck or are you growing a beard? Aren't you fat enough without eating that? Does size really matter?
August 8 Could someone please tell me why when these phony mediums contact the dead it's like playing a game of charades? "It starts with......... or do you know anyone who had a letter in their name........,maybe an e?" Was your mother a woman?" Why don't the dead just come out and say "hey this is Bill say hi to Bob". And I don't know about you but when I die I'll contact my family myself. I don't need some jackass translating everything I say. Hell it's my family I think they will know what I mean. August 7 Is there a purpose for flys? Do they fulfill some need in our ecological system? If there only function is food for frogs, I'm here to tell you, I'm volunteering right now to feed the frogs. Sure you might catch me bashing there heads in with a hammer to lessen the work load but I will feed some. Anything to get rid of the flys. Especially that kind that bites.What kind of a comedian is God that he makes flys that bite? Isn't bad enough they crap in the potato salad? With all of our technology can't we eradicate the fly? I have a few more things I'd like to eradicate.
These are some of mine. Send me yours at pat@clubhusband.com August 6 I pose the age old question. If a man buys Playboy for the articles? Does he go to Hooter's for the wings? August 5 I am a grown man and I still am not allowed to do what I want. I feel like a child. Every time I get in a car I have to wear a seatbelt like I'm on an amusement park ride. I would like you to know I have never fallen out of a car. Sure it could be due to the fact that I always close the doors when I drive. But it is also because I have a fairly flat ass and I hardly ever tip over. So why do I need the seat belt? Yes I know you are going to tell me some horse crap about insurance rates and people dying in cars. Isn't that my business if I want to take that chance? I know people tell me that if everyone doesn't wear their belt that people die and it will raise all our rates. I have to tell you that I think it's odd that they say "and it will raise all our rates". The first reason I think that is odd is that people dying doesn't seem to bother them as much as the rising rates. The second reason is, why does it raise the rates? If a guy didn't wear his belt and he dies, isn't that one less antibelt guy? If there is one less beltless guy on the road I think it should lower our rates. It should mean we have less chance of hitting a car with an occupant without a belt. Right? Speaking of rates and not using belts. I don't remember my rates ever getting lowered because I or the rest of the world now wear belts. When I was a kid it was odd if your car even had belts and if it did they were stuck somewhere way deep into the cushion where the dropped change lives. I can remember trips in the family car, we not only didn't wear our belts but my brothers and I never even sat down. But as my dad tells it he paid sixty-five cents a decade for insurance. Now I wear my belt faithfully and we pay enough for insurance to retire the debt of a large third world nation. Has anyone else noticed this? If you wear your belt it will lower your insurance. I always wear my belt. My insurance has never been lowered. I've been driving for, well never mind, but it's been a long time. Never has this belt theory been proven. I feel like a guy that has been hit in the head with a shovel three times and I don't duck the fourth time. So why the hell do I still wear my belt? So I don't get a ticket! Yes believe it or not, in America, the insurance companies have so much power that they have tax sponsored police enforcing their policies. Thank God I don't live in one of those Dictatorships where the powerful can do anything they want!
August 4 This summer has made going to hell a relief. It has been so hot even my wife doesn't think I should mow the dirt where our lawn used to be. I have even been able to get out of washing the car. Not because of the heat but because every time we go by the car wash there is a girl in a bikini doing her car. Advice of the day; If your wife says she doesn't want you going to Hooters to watch the game never say------ "Hey Hon, since I can't go with the guys to watch the game, I hope you don't mind that I invited over a few of the Hooter Girls." August 3 I once knew a man who left is wife nothing but a half jar of beans when he died. When they were married they decided that every time they made love the first year he would put a bean in a jar..And every time after the first year he would take a bean out when they made love. So when he died he left her the half full jar of beans with a note that read "To my Darling Wife, who fought off my many advances through the early years and who's will power out lasted mine, I leave you this rememberence that our marriage wasn't worth a jar of beans. Your Defeated husband PS There isn't a woman on our block with a single bean! August 2 Would someone please tell me why big women insist on owning small dogs? Do they understand this makes them look even bigger. Yesterday I saw a large rat, masquerading as a dog, being pulled around the park on a leash by a gorilla sized woman. This little rat dog was in fear of being crushed with every step he took. One mistake and this poor excuse for a canine was going to be turned into a grease spot. I couldn't figure out if this dog was a companion or a walking snack. Could it be that what I thought was a stroll around the park by a dog and his mistress was really dead dog walking? Could it be he was not a relaxed sun heated pooch but a soon to be grill cooked hot dog? A mere morsel of a snack for a woman that looked like her last meal ran in the sixth at Belmont. Was she not exercising fido but leading him to picnic hell. We will never know because as these thoughts entered my mind I realized all this little creature was going to do was whet her appetite. So I turned towards my car and ran before I became dessert. I know I probably let my imagination run wild but I did notice today there are a few less geese than usual! August 1 If I go to church will I become a good person? If that is true I'm sure the hell staying out of McDonalds. I don't want to become a hamburger!
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