Daily Dose of Crap October 30 A day before Halloween and I still can't talk my wife into dressing like a stripper. Or is it undressing like a stripper? Either way she won't do it. I think she is being unreasonable. She thinks she is being motherly. How the hell does she think she became motherly. It was by letting me talk her into doing things.
October 29 I just found out my son wasn't invited to his school Halloween party. It isn't because he isn't liked. It isn't because he has misbehaved. It is because they are not having a Halloween party. Instead they are having "a harvest party". This came to huge surprise to me since we live in a city. Here we are invited to "a harvest party" and we don't even have a crop to bring. I guess we could buy one. What kind of crop would a person bring to "a harvest party"? Maybe pumpkins? Maybe a squash? Perhaps a grain of some sort. Life was so much easier when I was a kid. On the last day of October we dressed like some kind of cartoon character and went to school. No crops. No harvest. No hay fever. But apparently my children's generation are too afraid of cartoon characters to allow them to dress up. This didn't make much sense to me until I did some research. My study revealed that the most popular character this year isn't going to be Superman or Batman. It isn't going to be Bart Simpson. It is going to be the scariest creature of them all. Martha Stewart! Can you imagine walking in your classroom. Minding your own business. Then you see the most frightening sight. Fifteen miniature queens of inside trading coming at you with prison stripes and pot holders. My God! No wonder they cancelled the holiday. After all my kids have lived through a domestic sniper. They have lived through international terrorism. But how could you expect them to live through a day filled with pint sized prisses of etiquette. October 28 Did you know that Jack Daniels mixed with a little bit of vinegar makes a great marinade for your meat. And let me be the first to say there is nothing like getting your meat marinated. I like to marinate my meat every day of the week. My wife prefers only a couple times a week. It's funny before we got married she seemed to love marinating my meat but now she seems less interested. Sometimes I have to beg to get her to marinate my meat. If she is really tired I know not even to bother her, so I just marinate it myself. It's not that difficult. Especially if you add a little cooking oil. Use enough to completely cover your meat. The ratio I like best is -three parts Jack Daniels-one part vinegar with a couple of splashes of the cooking oil. Take my word for it, you will love the result. If you have time let your meat stay in the marinade over night, especially if you have a very large piece of meat. This with a little bit of garlic salt, black pepper and a hot grill will give you a culinary delight. Deluxe Injectable Beef Marinade (Gallon Size) - - BEEF October 25 Every wife needs her space. She needs that time alone that women crave. She needs to be able to curl up with a sappy book or get lost in her favorite soap. We at Club Husband highly recommend you indulge her. Drop the kids off at Grandma's. Pick up a meal for her so she doesn't have to cook. Not pizza or fast food but maybe something you don't care for. Maybe something she rarely eats because you don't like it. If you want to really spoil her, buy her a cheesecake or whatever her favorite dessert is. You could also buy her a new novel. Another nice touch is to wash her favorite quilt so it has that fresh smell. You might even plan it so it is warm right out of the dryer when you leave. We suggest you do this soon. Maybe November 3rd. It's a Sunday and according to my latest issue of Bassmaster Magazine the moon and sun are just right for some awesome fishing. If you plan this right you could hit the lake for a couple of hours before The Pop Secret Four Hundred Nascar race starts 12:30 on TNT . Then if you bought her a large enough novel why not cap the day off with a trip to Hooter's to watch the 4 o'clock football game on Fox. If you do this right it should get you enough leverage to have your friends over for some pizza and beer on Monday to watch the Packers and the Dolphins go at it. So go ahead guys be a good husband and spoil your wife. You deserve it.
October 24
If I can pay my utility bills at the local convenience
store can I buy slurpees at the phone company? Do you think it would occur
to the public utility commissions to require these huge corporations to have
local payment offices. If these companies want our money they should make
it more convenient to get it. In case ATT and the utility commission doesn't
know, when I eat at Burger King they have a person right there to collect
the money. I don't have to mail it in. I don't have to drive down the street
to the Seven-Eleven. I just hand it to the person working the counter. I
say any business that doesn't care enough to have a local office shouldn't
be allowed to do business in that municipality.
If you are a redneck.................... If you are a Club Husband Man.......... 1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 1. You are so skilled in the culinary arts that your Halloween pumpkin is an exact replica of Shania Twain. 2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. No women smoke at your dinner table. 3. You're been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 3. You've been married once and your in-laws have abandoned their daughter in hopes of adopting you. 4. You think a woman who is "out-of-your-league" bowls on a different night. 4. You think a woman who is out of your league believes in the DH rule. 5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people." 5. There are autographed portraits of Johnny Walker and Jose Cuervo above your fireplace. 6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 6. You wonder why operating rooms are so dirty. 7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey, watch this." 7. You have thrown a no-hitter after saying "hey watch this." 8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. You'd love to have Tony Soprano over for dinner. 9. Your junior prom had a daycare. 9. You spent your junior prom in the back of a Formula Firebird. 10. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 10. Your wife wears her hair pulled back so she doesn't sweat when she mows the lawn. 11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: "Gentlemen, start your engines." 11. You think the Star Spangled Banner was written specifically for the Atlanta baseball team. 12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. You modified your toilet to the point that you've found two of your kids in your septic tank. 13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it. 13. Your truck holds more gas than the corner service station. 14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. Your recliner is equipped with refrigeration. 15. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. One of your kids was conceived on a pool table. 16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. Your tattoo was done by the same guy that did Cher's. 17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because she's a '32 Ford Coupe. 18. You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk. 18. Loaded dishwasher means your friends just left and your wife is due home. 19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. 19. Your toilet paper is 6 ply and can be used to buff your sweetheart in emergencies. 20. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs. 20. You have a formal dining room that is only used by your retrievers. Submitted by a loyal reader
October 22 On October 7, I wrote a short piece on how shock jocks are going too far with their humor. On October 12 ,CNN .com carried a piece about the same thing. If they would quit pontificating about how smart they are and just read Club Husband they would get their original ideas much faster.
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a f'king liar." Don't blame me! A reader sent it in.
October 21 As I watch the talking heads on the various news programs I have one question. Do they were pants? I used to wonder if they had anything important to say but I have come to a conclusion on that one months ago. They do not have anything useful to say. It is my opinion that it would be more informative and more entertaining if they would show Woody Wood Pecker cartoons and just run the news on a crawler underneath. Woody is a much better entertainer and I believe he is much less likely to speculate about matters he knows nothing about. The news has become a constant stream of speculation with infrequent islands of fact. If I wanted to know, what they think, I would of asked. What I do want to know is what happened, when it happened and why it happened. I do not want their predictions on what they think is going to happen. They, the news media, need to come to the realization that they know nothing more than we do. You would have thought these clowns would have learned their lesson on election night 2000. This brings us back to my newest wonderment. Do they wear pants? I really can't say for sure. I refuse to speculate. So until one of them actually stands up against speculation I won't know. But when they do I'll be the first to report the facts. What they did, why they did it and when they did it. I might include a picture if Woody doesn't mind the interruption. Our textured polo shrugs off hot weather, with a great look and feel. Crisp design, classic detailing, soft and breathable 100% cotton--the ideal choice for office, bayside or backyard. Machine wash. Imported.
October 19 In a unprecedented and surprising move today all three major networks have cancelled the new fall season effective October 31. Although standing together on their decision they stood separately on their reasons. ABC sited a lack of viewer ship due to the fact that their only show worth watching is NYPD Blue.They said it is just too frustrating to fill the rest of the week. Starting November First there will be nothing but dead air on the network. Affiliates are free to fill this time with old reruns of their choosing. In a separate announcement Steven Bochco said he would have loved to keep his long running detective show on the air but not even he could stand watching it after two hours of Hogan's Heroes. NBC reported their reason being, with the exception of West Wing and ER, they can't fill all the remaining time slots with quality programming not named Law and Order. An unnamed spokesman for the network said "we can't keep killing people just to satisfy the viewers". It was explained to him later that the network wasn't really killing people it was just acting and special effects. But he said they will stand by their decision. CBS announced their reason for cancelling the season was similar to the other networks. We have nothing we are proud of outside our Monday night lineup. They also sited that although it seems Everybody Loves Raymond considering the demographics of CBS's viewers he would finish a distant second to ABC's top affiliates plan to air reruns of The Golden Girls on Monday at 9 PM. CBS's parent company, Viacom, also said the decision to cancel the season was due in part to the board of directors move to dump their wildly popular Survivor series. A press release by the corporation said it no longer made sense to spend the money sending sixteen losers to tropical islands if the only competition for ratings was going to be Gilligan's Island. In a related article the Nielsen Corporation revealed their latest polling showed that unless Survivor would quit voting off the hot chicks and drop their no nudity policy that Mary Ann and Ginger were far more popular than any of the past Survivor castaways. "It might not be the whole story but popularity usually translates into ratings. We at Nielsen believe that a big reason CBS went along with the other two networks was that they were afraid Survivor would get it's collective ass kicked by Gilligan". A Nielsen executive commented. "Can you imagine anything more embarrassing than being scared of Bob Denver?" October 18 Can the men on Survivor get any dumber? I think not. How the hell could they vote off a female firefighter who likes to run around naked and doesn't mind filling her face with fish? This wasn't a woman who deserved getting voted off. This was a woman who deserved legendary status. When she filled her face with fish last night I thought to myself "there is a woman who knows what it takes to win." And when she got voted off last night I thought to myself "there is a woman who didn't fill her face with enough fish". Last night Colin Powell made jokes about Hussein wanting the names of the people who didn't vote for him in this weeks election in Iraq. He also made a joke about Saddam hanging people. I enjoyed both jokes as I do most jokes. I also didn't take them seriously because I believe humor isn't meant to be taken seriously but I did have to wonder. I had to wonder would Powell and his friends think the same musings were as funny if the subject was South Africa, twenty years ago or Mississippi, fifty years ago?
October 17 I am scared for America. Our democracy has turned into anarchy. There is mass confusion and no supervision. Corporate America is running amuck and I am the only one that cares. Me and Chrissy. Me you know but let me tell you about Chrissy. She works in Michigan for a huge corporation known as Conectiv. Her job as it appears is to be the biggest bitch you have ever spoken too. But we can forgive her of that because of her willingness to control the world. Yes she is trying to control the world. You see Chrissy works for a very large corporation but she has no supervision. She apparently not only answers the phone but she is the only person at Conectiv with any authority. She is also the only person there that can come to the phone. I know this because when I asked to speak to her supervisor she said "that her supervisor had just stepped out". When I said that I would like to speak to anyone but her she said she was the only one I could talk to. When I said I would like to end the call and could she have her supervisor call me when she got back in, she said ,"it would take two days for her supervisor to call". This is when I figured out the problem. Chrissy may be a little bitch with the attitude of a scalded cat but at least she can handle a phone. I don't know about you but even in the most stressful times I can complete a phone call in minutes, maybe even seconds.Can you imagine being poor little scalded cat Chrissy with the misfortune of having a boss so stupid her phone skills are measured in days. It is no wonder Chrissy is moody, she has a moron for a supervisor. I guess this is why Chrissy has decided to run the corporation completely on her own. She has seen the problem and has said no to anarchy. No to corporate Conectiv running amuck. She has said no to politeness. We at Club Husband applaud her efforts. We like people that take control. Her plan is brilliant. Her implementation of the details are flawless. We think she will succeed. She will succeed at driving every last customer from using her corporation's services. But hey, who needs customers when you have employees like Chrissy.
October 16 Is Dr. Phil the dumbest rich guy in the world or am I nuts. This guy can spend more time saying less than anyone since Howard Cosell died. All he does is state the obvious in words any Mississippi mayor would be proud of. This guy makes Jed Clampett look sophisticated. and worldly. Hell I think he is Jethro Bodine with a bad hair cut. In an effort to help our fellow man we are going to give Dr. Phil a list of sayings he is free to use. These sayings won't make him look any smarter but it should make him sound smarter. If your penis is too short it doesn't help to pull it. If the women all look better at closing time never show up before 1:45 AM If hair was brains I'd be a blonde If you always carry an umbrella you'll never get wet If my under wear was edible I'd offer you a snack I help one patient a day. This beats the hell out of being a rodeo clown If Oprah told me to bark like a dog I'd say "not again my throat hurts" If life was fair would I be famous? Never look back you may see the talk show host you left behind If you had a sugar momma your life would be good too
October 15 Subject: JUSTICE, SWEET JUSTICE A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would ! insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine. This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. Sent to us by a reader
Club Husband's Favorite Television Shows The Man Show King of Queens Sopranos According To Jim Is it a coincidence that all the Club Husband favorites feature out of shape middle aged guys? Is it a coincidence that in three of the shows that the guy is married it is to an unbelievably hot woman? Is it a coincidence that in the fourth show the guys are surrounded by big breasted beauties(Juggies)? If you would like to see our favorite movies...........
October 14 I remember when men were men and women were passengers. It seems more and more that I see women driving and men riding around like Miss Daisy. What has happened to my fellow men? Listen close guys there are only two exceptions to the rule that men must drive.
All other times the man must drive unless of course he was caught breaking one of the two rules. Then he must ride not because he isn't a man but because he is extremely careless and abundantly stupid. All other cases will be cause for revoking his testicles and sending him to the "junior miss" department of his local dress shop. We recommend a floral or something in pink.
October 11 Why does anyone in their right mind pay $1.89 for a glass of iced tea? I went out to eat last night and a dollar eighty-nine was exactly the price they charged for a glass of tea. To put this in perspective this would be the equivalent of Ford charging a million dollars for a Taurus. We wouldn't stand for that so why do we let restaurants do it. I think from now on I will just have water and I ask of all of you to consider doing the same. Maybe if the restaurants get the idea that they can't get away with charging us a mark up of 5,000 per cent they will lower their prices to an acceptable amount. You wouldn't pay 400 dollars for a steak would you? If you would I have a beautiful Ford Taurus I'm willing to let you have cheap. Say maybe $200,000! October 10
My favorite church. Any church that wants me to "come and worship" with D. Boner is alright with me! My favorite sporting goods store. Dick's has it all!
October 9 Club Husband Codes (sent to us by a reader) 1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat" 2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella. 3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers. 4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence. 5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. (Or when you sober up.) 6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent, during last call double this amount) 7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever. 8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale. 9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable. 10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay. 11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party. 12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. 13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. 14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'. 15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. 16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat. 17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood. 19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free. Click here for further explanation 20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy. 23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?" 24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean. 25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer. 26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response. 27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need. 28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.
October 8 I saw a girl walking down the street yesterday wearing the most ridiculous thing. She had on this unbelievably baggy pair of pants with pockets all over them. The pockets looked quite useful but the ridiculous part was two of the pockets had long strings dangling out of them. When I say long I mean long. They were about three feet and dragging on the ground. I asked my teenage son what the strings were for and he said 'it is just the style". "The style?"I said. "Do they serve any purpose at all?" I asked. "No " he said. Now at this point I did begin to wonder if he was lying and the strings were some kind of evil teenage apparatus designed to drive adults crazy with bewilderment. But after discussing it with him further I was assured that it was as he said "just the style". It might be the style but it is goofy. Why the hell would anyone want pieces of cloth dangling from their clothes? It not only odd but I would suspect it could be dangerous as well. Can you imagine what if you got the long pieces of cloth stuck in something like a car fan. You could lose several important parts before you even knew it. I don't think we as reasonable adults can allow this to go on. We must assemble. We must write a petition. We must go to the next school board meeting and plead for the safety of our children. It is their only chance! But I do have one question. Should I wear a tie to the meeting?
October 7 If shock jocks want to shock us why don't they do something besides make fun of people? You can tell these idiots live in big cities because guys like that wouldn't be called shock jocks in small towns. They would be called "those guys who are always getting their ass kicked for insulting people". It's not that I don't find some of what they do funny. At times I find Howard Stearn to be hilarious. But unfortunately those times are getting fewer and fewer all the time. More and more he reminds me of the jerk in the back of the high school class that disrupted the teacher because he was too stupid to shut up and learn. You know the guy. He always had a bunch of misfit weasels with him who laughed at everything he did because they were too dumb to have their own thoughts. Then one day they woke up and realized they didn't have enough credits to complete school so they got jobs being shock jock groupies. So now they sit around laughing at their idol because they still don't have any original thoughts. But at least now they do get paid. Isn't our country wonderful? Only in America would everyone know the name of the class ass but couldn't name a single scientist if their life depended on it. But of course that's because the scientist makes less money. Mmm, I wonder why our kids don't see the importance of school? October 6 Club Husband is not only a place. Club Husband is a state of mind. Clubhusband.com is where these minds live. They live in a fantasy world where husbands always have the last word. A world where wives have the sex drive of teenagers and the boobs to match. But Club Husband is not only about sex it is also about other leisure activities. Fishing and hunting are big parts of the Club Husband state of mind. Club Husband is a small pond where all the fish can be caught from a lawn chair on the shore. Better yet two lawn chairs. One for you and one for your best friend. Behind the two chairs sits a cooler full of your favorite beverage. Between the two chairs sits a small grill with a beer can chicken roasting. As the chicken finishes, you as the king of your domain, just reaches out and pulls off the part you want. Remember this is Club Husband where all chickens have long legs and tender breasts. Club Husband is also a wooded forest where game is plentiful. Where two guys can shoot two elks with just one rifle. There is no need for each of you to carry a rifle at Club Husband . One of you will need to carry the grill so you can eat what you kill on the spot. Remember at Club Husband a healthy appetite is coveted and not despised. That appetite goes for our minds as well as our stomachs. We like the finer things in life. Good cigars. Smooth scotch. A landscaped yard. A good joke. But most of all we like beautiful women At Club Husband we not only like to look at beautiful women we insist on marrying the cream of the crop. A Club Husband wife has to be not only the best looking of wives but the best providers. They must be capable of supplying us with the toys and tools to make Club Husband possible. For you see with all the many activities enjoyed by a Club Husband man there is hardly time to work. We are way too busy for the menial task of labor. So at Club Husband we need our wives to support us. Oh we pretend to work. We run websites that bring in about forty cents a week. We pretend to make million dollar deals on boats. We get on the phone and discuss what to do with all the money when we get unbelievably rich. But most of all we service our wives. We make sure their nights are happy and in turn they make sure our days are happy. So you see Club Husband is not only a place.Club Husband is not only a state of mind.
It's the
best damn job a man could have!
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Compatible with Internet Explorer 5.5 or higher Click the link below to Stop Those Pop-Up Windows Now! $25 Risk Free! http://www.adreporting.com The previous message is an advertisement October 4 I just read Child Magazine's list of top toys of the year.(hey it was the only thing I had to read in the bathroom) Let me save you some time and money. Instead of buying their suggested toys just do yourself a favor and buy a black marker a piece of cardboard and a string. Take these things and make a sign that reads, "my Dad is raising me to be a wuss", and hang it around your son's neck. This will accomplish the same thing as giving him the toys but it will show that you are mentally castrating your son on purpose so no one will think you just made a mistake. One more clue. Don't make him wear a tie to the first day of school. You are just asking kids to kick his ass. October 3 Tony Soprano is my hero. Not because he belongs to the mafia. Not because he is on TV. It's because he is just like me. A middle aged guy with problems. Kids, wife, lawn. not enough time to do it all so we both feel pressure in our lives. The difference between me and Tony is he gets to shoot his problems. That's why he is my hero. Mind you he doesn't get to shoot them all. It appears his family, including his slut sister ,is immune from getting a bullet in the head. But it also appears the other problems are fair game. Wouldn't it be great if we could just shoot that jack ass at work that will never shut up. Or better yet, that waitress who won't refill my glass of tea. What a way to release the pressures of life. Shoot them! Tony I hate to tell you this but I have seen the first three episodes of the new season and you need to buy bullets, lots of bullets. Good luck and happy hunting. Don't forget the waitresses! For all your hunting needs October 2 The baseball playoffs have started. This is my favorite time of year. I get to watch baseball and listen to talking jackasses. It's amazing to me how the networks have found such a fine group of talking donkeys to compliment their broadcasts. I haven't seen so much talent since Wilbur sent Ed to the glue factory. It makes me wish Ed was still around. At least he didn't talk in front of anyone but Wilbur so I wouldn't have had to suffer through his broadcasts. If only Joe Morgan only spoke in front of Wilbur. It's no wonder Pete Rose gambled. Hell, he probably thought to himself. Gambling? mmm, could risk my career, but what the hell it's got to beat listening to Morgan pontificate on the difference between the hit and run and the run and hit. I'll give 3 to 1 odds that Morgan is dumber than the infield grass. It's been reported Pete made a bundle on that one! It's not even that these beasts of burden don't know the game, although that is certainly debatable. The problem is they won't shut up! Hell they miss half of the important plays because they are trying to impress their colleagues with their knowledge of the game. The same game I have watched and played all of my life and when they get done describing it I barely recognize it. Do me a favor network geniuses, give me a break and bring back Tony,Curt and Joe. They might be old but at least they knew the show was the game. Yes that is right Morgan, McCarver and the rest, no one turns on to listen to you. We are there to see the game. So shut up and let me enjoy the fall.
October 1 Tim Russert of "Meet the Press" has the biggest head I have ever seen. Charlie Brown wears the hats this guy out grows.
How long after a rain storm should I wait to mow the lawn? Is six years too long?
I had a dream that I was a busboy at Hooter's and I was constantly being sexually harrassed by the waitresses. I sued them and we settled out of court for six pairs of silk shorts, a dozen white tank tops and a truck load of chicken wings. Hey! I never claimed to be Martin Luther King Jr.
If marriage is a union of two people why do I feel like I was drafted?
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