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I Bought a Monkey

I recently purchased a monkey. Take it from me it’s not as fun as you would think. Sure the first couple of days everyone loves him but now it’s just me and him.

It’s a lot like when the kids were little except he weighs 150 pounds.  Just like my sons when they were little (or me while I work) he doesn’t like to wear pants and whether he likes it or not I am not letting bare monkey butt on my furniture let alone other monkey parts.

The little goober also steals my tequila and freezer pops. I thought it would be a great idea, to train him to fetch said items, so I could continue working without interruption. By working I of course mean watching sports. It worked pretty good the first few days until he learned to unscrew the cap on the tequila. Now he swigs it like a migrant farm worker watching Jai alai. After a couple of gulps I am guessing he uses my freezer pop to cut the taste because I notice they are half gone when I get them and they have teeth marks in the plastic.

He also hates the dog shock collar I made him wear. I am guessing this because never once did my dogs put theirs on me while I slept. You would be surprised how fast a monkey can learn to use a correction remote. You would also be surprised how fast a monkey can run when he uses it on me.

If it was up to me I shave him and drop him off at day care but there are probably some law against drunk monkeys being around children.

There is no happy ending to the story – just me and my monkey adapting.

J Pat

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