Marriage is a sacred union entered into by two people. Traditionally a man and a woman. It is this traditional marriage that we will deal with at Club Husband. We are not here to tell you how to live your life but for our money the man woman thing is the way to go. Not that it doesn't have its share of problems and those problems are why Club Husband is here to help.

 We will guide you thru the unpleasant times. Grant you, most of those times will be from following our advice but every map has a few mistakes. For example when we suggest you go fishing on her birthday you must realize that we always will advise you to go fishing, her birthday, your birthday, my birthday, Lincolns birthday we don't care. Go fishing! But the difference between us and other marriage counselors is, we realize it is not your fault you went fishing. You are a man and that's what men do. And as your counselor we will help you get back into her good graces (and her bed) after you've been bass hunting all day. These will also work if you had to work late (went to the strip club).

Feel free to write your questions to us. We will answer anything. We don't care. Sometimes we might even get it right.

Send your questions to clubhusband@clubhusband  subject line "marriage" They will all be answered here as soon as time permits.

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have great sex.

4. It is very, very important that these three woman never meet!

WANTED

A tall well-built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classical music and tal-

king without getting too serious.

(please read only lines 1,3 and 5)

Recently I changed lure attractants, I now get more hits than ever but my wife says I stink like crawfish and won't sleep with me for days after I fish. The lack of sex is now affecting my concentration and I can't land the fish after they hit the lure.Please help!

                     Signed,

                     Desperate in Pennsylvania

Dear Desperate,

Try using a food based fish attractant like Bass Pro Shop'sKick'n Bass Fish Attractant - Garlic GARLIC -. You will still stink but it'll be more like Tony Soprano than Bill Dance. If that doesn't work use rubber gloves and try not to spill anything on your Mr. Johnson outboard. If you know what I mean!

                                                     J Pat

Dear Club Husband,

My wife keeps nagging me to put gas in the mower so I can mow the lawn. What should I tell her to keep from filling it.

                                                   Signed,

                                             Long tall grass

Dear Long,

Put gas in the mower. Let her know you put gas in the mower. Then just stall her a little longer and she will get tired of trying to get you to mow the lawn and do it herself. But be prepared if this happens the mower might be the only thing you'll be filling this spring.

                                      Dave

Dear Club Husband,

Where can I find a woman like the Club Husband Hottie?

                     Signed,

                      Lonely on the Web

Dear Web,

If you are writing to us, I'm guessing ,a woman like Patricia is out of your league. You might try NakedPeople.US women they are probably a more your speed.

                                              J Pat

Dear Club Husband,

The fish are biting and it's her birthday, what should I do?

                                         Signed,

                                         Looking for Trouble

Dear Trouble,

This one's easy. Make reservations for a nice dinner then tell your wife you are going shopping for her present. Sneak your pole into the truck. Buy her the first decent(or indecent,if you know what I mean!) thing you see and then go fishing. This should give you plenty of time to fish. Remember though you must practice catch and release so there is no evidence!

                                             J Pat

Dear Club Husband,

I've been married about six months and already our sex life has decreased significantly. Will this always be the case or is something wrong?

                                  Signed,

                                  Young and Frustrated

Dear Young,

Don't worry nothing is wrong. Once you are married sometimes the spigot slows to a trickle.If you would like to turn it up a little try a hobby you can enjoy together.Let her raise a garden while you landscape. There is nothing like a good cucumber crop to bring ideas into her head. But don't forget pick them early before she realizes you aren't the biggest gherkin in the jar.

                                                   Dave

Dear Club Husband,

I can't sit thru another night of video chick flicks without losing my mind.What can I do to get her to rent something I want to see?

                                             Signed,

                                           Stuck in Video Hell

Dear Stuck,

There is not a damn thing you can do but try to influence her picks with positive feedback. Some thing like"the last movie we got was really good but Bette Midler just wasn't the right person for the part. Then suggest a movie with Julia Roberts or Meg Ryan. It will still be a chick flick but at least you'll have something to look at. If that doesn't work smash the VCR and order Cinemax. If you've seen Cinemax you know they have the right kind of chick flicks!

                                                      Mike

                                                The boob man

Dear Club Husband,

Can you tell me a good drink to get my wife in the mood?

                                              Signed,

                                              Liquor is Quicker

Dear Liquor,

Get her to try any of the drinks on the shot page. But keep in mind to Lick Her might be quicker

                                             Dave

Dear Club Husband,

My wife insists that I mow the lawn on my day off. What should I do.

                                     Signed,

                                     Lawn Boy

Dear Lawn,

You have two choices. Mow the lawn or don't mow the lawn. But whichever one you choose quit whinning like a little girl. If you don't want to mow the damn yard tell her to do it and do it now! By the way how do you look with a mower in your ass? This might influence your decision.

                                                 Dave

PS You might try here for a solution. Mow the lawn without leaving your hammock!

Dear Club Husband,

The nights are starting to get cold and my wife won't let me turn on the heat. Please help I'm freezing to death.

                                                                    Cold in Ohio

Dear Cold,

Your problem isn't the weather it's your stupidity. Obviously your wife is looking for another way besides the furnace to warm her up. If you don't get a pair and step up to the plate someone else is going to be lighting her fire!

                                                                           J Pat

                                                                                           Read More Advice.......

Warm your wife up at our wife shop. You never know what a nice present might ignite!