Today I lost a friend. Don’t worry he didn’t die, he is just lost. Lost in a sea of web insanity. I think it’s his own fault. He knew better. People had warned him not to do it but he couldn’t resist. He surfed a web wave that he knew he couldn’t ride. No one had ever ridden it successfully. I know that’s why he had to try.
He poured himself a scotch, his usual, Johnny Walker Red Label on the rocks. On the rocks may have been a metaphor for what was about to happen. He then went in to his office where he could be alone. Sure he could have done this on the family computer. Yes I know what you are thinking. Why not the family computer? It’s the new one. It’s fast with 6 gbs of ram. It practically breathes fire. But that’s not his way. If he was going to make history he was going to do it in the saddle of old reliable. The Pentium I. The I and him had been to the edge of adult site hell before and it always got him back. So to him there was no choice. Power versus loyalty? If you know my friend you know why he took the Pentium I that night. Sure he could have jumped on the new computer and made his stand in front of his wife and kids but he knew. He knew it was a one in a million shot. He also knew he would have had to wait for his teenage daughter to download “just one more song” and that would have been like asking Jay Leno to be funny. It just wasn’t going to happen.
I talked to him earlier that evening and I thought he had sounded distant. But hey I thought it was just Johnny Walker clouding his mind. I now realize, looking back, it was fear that made him seem aloof. He ended the call saying “he just wanted to check out a few websites for research” and that he’d call me when he was done. We haven’t heard from him since.
The way his wife tells it he started slow, surfing a few bikini sites to get his balance. Then he went in to a few adult sites he knew were safe. Voyeurweb.com and Husbandclub.com say that they vaguely remember him surfing thru that night. As we know they are both free sites and get a lot of transient traffic. But then it happened. We don’t really know all the details but I believe it must have happened something like this.
He pulled up google.com hands still calm and steady. He pecked out the letters with his deliberate style - n-a-k-e-d w-o-m-a-n s-i-t-e-s. Took a sip of the Red Label and slowly hit enter.
The list appeared in a flash. Well maybe two flashes on the Pentium I. There was so many to choose from but he made his choice. He chose the one that said it was absolutely free, no credit card needed. He chose ”I’m a big fat lying adult site, that will do anything to get you into my clutches.com” He looked over the entry page slowly looking for the correct link. And noticing the naked women (hey remember he wasn’t dead). He found it. In big letters ” free trial”. He took a long hard drink and activated the hyperlink. A picture appeared almost immediately.Very similar to the entry page but with a heading that said “For a limited time only a 3 Day membership for $1.99″. Oh he knew the limited time was till hell froze over but he clicked on it quickly before he lost his nerve. They wanted his credit card number and he smiled.
This was it.
He was on the edge of the crater and looking into hell. He finished his drink. Some say for courage but those who say that don’t know him like I do. I know he finished it to free his hands for battle. For a hunt and pecker like him can’t go fast one handed. He needed speed and dexterity. He had neither after the scotch.
I can picture it as if I was there. Him sitting up straight. Taking a deep breathe and hitting the exit link.
In the blink of an eye the page stayed but another popped up. This brighter than the first offering a two day trial. He went to the close the window button on the window, the little x. The page disappeared but two more took it’s place. These offered even more obscene stuff. Women that looked younger than his teenage daughter but claiming to be “at least 18″. He tried the back button. It changed the page but it wasn’t the original it was now offering something about farm animals. Trying not to throwup he started hitting exit buttons as fast as this little hunt and pecker could.
He knew he was at the crest of the wave and still afloat but losing ground.
Back buttons,exit buttons, exit links, nothing was working. Every page was replaced by two. His task bar was filling fast.
The pages were flying by as he fought. Celebritiesthatareobviouslyfake.com, wivesthatlooklikepromodels.com, matureifyoucall21mature.com, teensyoushouldbeashamed.com he thought this is what it must look like when Larry Flynt’s life flashes before his eyes. He was being overwhelmed. The old Pentium I was there for him but she just didn’t have enough juice to tread water. He felt like Captain Kirk without his hyperdrive.
His wife said the last she heard of him was a few loud expletives and then he was gone. He was brave but when it was done he was just another casualty sucked into popup hell. We miss him. We still look over to the computer when it says “you’ve got mail” but we know.
Life can be so ironic.
You see my friend was the man who’s vision helped create Clubhusband.com “A Lazy Island in a Sea of Web Insanity”.
In his honor you will never see a pop up on ClubHusband.com.
Just like you will never see my friend again.
It’s the least we can do – the very least!