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Titillations

A titillation for husbands, about husbands (and wives) and written by husbands. Everything a 21st century man needs to know about married life from, blondes to brunettes from jokes to riddles. A road map around the laughs of life. If it's not here a husband shouldn't tell it.

A man was driving along a country-side road and his front tire went flat and he drove into a ditch. A farmer who lived near by asked if his horse could pull his truck out. The old farmer hitched up the horse, Flame, and yelled out, "Pull Scout, Pull!!!" The horse did nothing. Then he yelled out again, "Go Lightning, go!" The horse stood still. Then he yelled for the final time, "Pull, Flame, pull!!" And the horse pulled the truck out of the ditch. The man thanked the farmer but couldn't help but asking. Then he asked, "Why did you call out 2 names before his?" The farmer replied, "Well, Flame is blind and if he knew that he was the only horse there, he wouldn't have budged."

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,

died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and

your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out

with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang

out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced

him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah,yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. The headlights are usually too small.

2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.

3. Maintenance is extremely high.

4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.

5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.

6. The rear end wobbles too much.

7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

8. Fuel consumption is outrageous. Just to name a few..."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited

for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to

Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention

than yours."


Dead Parrot

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay

her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the

bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,

"I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away".

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any

testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?"

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few

moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's

owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front

paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead

parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook

his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out but returned a few moments

later with a cat! The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the

ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your

parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ... dead." He then turned to his

computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the

woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150

just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have

been $20, but........what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."


A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in the software services; he was never really sure how it supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was and engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted 3 years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was....God! I miss him!

....but now that I've married you, I'm really excited!

"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"

"You're a lawyer...this time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Submitted by our biggest fan!


Caught for speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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Stuck under a bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

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The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk" The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

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Dealing with trouble

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

"I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it." "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

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I'm going to a lecture

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife." said the man.


These 2 little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward the stairs to the bedroom. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the 2 boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, OK?"

The two boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs.

At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his Mom and dad's room and shakes his head disapprovingly. Back downstairs he goes, back to his little brother.

"Come with me," he says, and the 2 little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to the younger brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumbll of the major Internet dating services in one place. Find new friends, form relationships, meet your ideal match.


Girls Night Out                                                                         

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my

husband that I would be home by midnight .. "I promise!" Well, the hours

passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m.,

drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo

clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd

probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of

myself for coming up with such a quick- witted solution (even when smashed), in

order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and

I told him 12 o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away

with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he

said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh shit!',

cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times,

giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.


MY Favorite Bumper Stickers

1. Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you are an asshole.

2. Impotence: Natures way of saying " No hard feelings "

3. The proctologist called... they found your head.

4. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

5. Save your breath - you may need it to blow up your date.

6. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

7. I used to have a handle on life, but I broke it.

8. Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

9. Hang up and drive.

10. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you....

11 Heart attack: God's revenge for eating his animal friends.

12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

13. Try not to let your mind wander, it is much too

small to be out by itself.

14. Some people don't know how to drive... I call

these people "everybody but me."

15. Don't like my driving... then stop watching me!

16. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one....

17. Welcome to America... NOW SPEAK ENGLISH!


A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So she left a note for her

milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the

door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your

note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?

" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk

and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "OK. You want it Pasteurized?

" The blonde said, "No, just up to my chin."


Never under estimate the little old Lady.....

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is alot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

Like Pictures of  Young Sexy Women      


FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman

who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to

support you.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

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How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long

enough to build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once

you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's

told.

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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by

90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

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Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and

rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

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A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,

"I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, I wish I

had your willpower."

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Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man

doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every

country, son.

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A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next

day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it

once.

 

Send in your favorite joke; Include your name if you want credit.