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Twas The Week Before Christmas

‘Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the state

My shopping was not yet done – boy am I late;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas would fill my large pair;

With a few days to go the children were in school,

They claimed a snow day but I was no fool;

And Mom making cookies, while I took a nap,

She wanted to buy them but I said that was some “crap”,

When out on the lawn I heard a large noise,

It wasn’t the bus it better not be the boys.

Away to the window I walked in a stupor,

It was the neighbors dog taking a pooper.

I grabbed my rifle and loaded a B-B

A shot burst out – I hit Fifi

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

My neighbor holding a leash and loaded with beer,

He was big and ugly and a little bit fat,

My next shot hit him square in the hat.

More rapid than eagles his curses they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called me a name;

I fired again and made him dance like a chicken !

It was funny the way his feet were a kickin”!

And then, in a twinkling, I yelled “had enough?’

“If you don’t surrender it’s going to get rough”

Another shot landed him flat on his back,

If he was a deer I would have a nice rack.

His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

It was more than just beer he was filled with some Sherry!

His fat little lips were drawn up like a bow,

And his head was planted deep in the snow;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when I shot him like a bowlful of jelly.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon led me to believe he wanted me dead;

I said “on my lawn your dog took a big poop”

“If you didn’t want shot you should of brought a large scoop”

I pulled the trigger with a quick squeeze,

Nothing came out but a short breeze,

He put his lips together and gave a quick whistle,

And his poodle came flying like the down of a thistle.

He commanded a French dog the size of a shoe”,

He must of forgot I own Boxers times two.

They were on Fifi in the blink of an eye

I was laughing so hard I started to cry

They tossed him and threw him like a rag doll

Home my neighbor started to crawl

I heard exclaim as he crept out of sight

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all I am done with this fight.”

J Pat

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