‘Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the state
My shopping was not yet done – boy am I late;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas would fill my large pair;
With a few days to go the children were in school,
They claimed a snow day but I was no fool;
And Mom making cookies, while I took a nap,
She wanted to buy them but I said that was some “crap”,
When out on the lawn I heard a large noise,
It wasn’t the bus it better not be the boys.
Away to the window I walked in a stupor,
It was the neighbors dog taking a pooper.
I grabbed my rifle and loaded a B-B
A shot burst out – I hit Fifi
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My neighbor holding a leash and loaded with beer,
He was big and ugly and a little bit fat,
My next shot hit him square in the hat.
More rapid than eagles his curses they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called me a name;
I fired again and made him dance like a chicken !
It was funny the way his feet were a kickin”!
And then, in a twinkling, I yelled “had enough?’
“If you don’t surrender it’s going to get rough”
Another shot landed him flat on his back,
If he was a deer I would have a nice rack.
His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
It was more than just beer he was filled with some Sherry!
His fat little lips were drawn up like a bow,
And his head was planted deep in the snow;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when I shot him like a bowlful of jelly.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon led me to believe he wanted me dead;
I said “on my lawn your dog took a big poop”
“If you didn’t want shot you should of brought a large scoop”
I pulled the trigger with a quick squeeze,
Nothing came out but a short breeze,
He put his lips together and gave a quick whistle,
And his poodle came flying like the down of a thistle.
He commanded a French dog the size of a shoe”,
He must of forgot I own Boxers times two.
They were on Fifi in the blink of an eye
I was laughing so hard I started to cry
They tossed him and threw him like a rag doll
Home my neighbor started to crawl
I heard exclaim as he crept out of sight
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all I am done with this fight.”