ClubHusband.com

Half shirts. Bare midriffs. Tummy shirts. Belly shirts.

A half shirt by any other name is still a half shirt.

But by half shirt I do not mean a shirt that is worn by someone too fat for it to cover  half their fat belly. A belly shirt is to be worn by women who have no belly. I know it’s confusing but trust me it’s worth learning. It is not to be worn if your belly hangs over your pants. I don’t care how young you are or how big your hoo-hoos are. It is only to be worn if you can look down and see your feet. Not just your toes but your whole foot.

I am tired of going out to eat and losing my appetite because some SharPei of a woman walks by wearing a belly shirt and all I can see is a waist land of white flesh. It is especially disturbing if she is sixty years old.

Listen Grandma leave the sexy wear to the young. This is the one exception to the foot rule. You may be able to see your feet but if those feet remember The Second World War wear something that covers your wrinkly old lady stomach so I don’t lose mine.

Christ almighty doesn’t anyone own mirrors any more? Can’t we get a government program to make mirrors mandatory?

If we can force people to mow their lawns can’t we force them to buy mirrors? We could make up some horseshit about if they keep wearing gross inappropriate clothes it will make my property values drop. After all isn’t property values the one thing that even trumps the Constitution. What the hell is wrong with stomping the crap out of personal freedoms if it is in the name of property values.

So there you have it. We will pass a law requiring you to check yourself in the mirror. That will take care of the problem. Certainly if these fashion idiots see themselves they would never leave the house looking like they do. If that doesn’t work we could impose a burka law for all women who violate the laws of fashion. I could be the judge of what looks good. (topless women) If you do not meet my standards, cover up or prepare to be dealt with in the name of property values.

After all why should these people be allowed to wear things that I don’t like?

What the hell do they think? That they live in America?

When did men start drinking blue drinks? Doesn’t anyone but me realize men are supposed to drink brown drinks. With a few exceptions all men’s drinks are brown. Vodka and silver tequila being the exceptions that come to mind immediately. But with those excluded, for God sakes, men drink brown. I have written a list of drinks that are universally accepted as men’s drinks.

• scotch
• tequila
• bourbon
• beer
• mescal

The following list is not accepted;

• anything with fruit in the name
• anything less than 80 proof
• red drinks (cranberry and vodka is an exception)
• blue drinks
• drinks with umbrellas (unless you are on vacation on an island with topless natives)
• schnapps, unless it is beer backed (if you mix schnapps with anything put on a dress)

Men this is a general guideline. Do try to follow it. The only time you will see a Club Husband man break these rules will be in hopes of getting sex. Yes it is ok to go off the brown diet if it means you score. But if you are sitting around a bar drinking fruity blue drinks you might want to double check the package before you open it. Who the hell knows what kind of fish you’ll catch if you use that kind of bait. Yes fruity drinks draw fruity people. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Brown drinks draw tan, long legged women. Trust me I’ve done the research.

Take mty advice and you’ll thank me in the morning!

I was eating dinner in a restaurant last night when the guy behind got a phone call. It is my opinion that people who don’t turn off their cell phones while they are eating are one of two things. A doctor or an idiot. A doctor I can understand needs to have his phone on at all times in case an emergency tee time comes open at his club. An idiot doesn’t need his phone on but insists to himself that he is so important that he needs to be reached not only during the appetizer and salad but also during the main course and dessert. If these people are so in demand, they can’t even eat a meal without being in touch, shouldn’t they consider having their meals at home?

Surprisingly enough this guy behind me was neither a doctor nor an idiot. He was a self absorbed jackass. How do I know this?

Because I’m psychic? No.

Because I have Superman like hearing? No.

It was because he made and took ever call with the speaker function. The feature where you can hold it near your inconsiderate head and talk into it like a microphone and in turn the speaker is loud enough you can hear it without holding it to your head. What a great invention this is. Now not only do we get to hear those people whose sole purpose of using the cell phone in public is to get noticed. We also get to hear the jerk that called them during my dinner to ask a stupid question like. Are you going to the gym after work tomorrow? Is that really a question worthy of disturbing my meal?

You know pal if I wanted to eat in a room full of walkie talkies I would stayed in the fifth grade. I like to believe that I’m a civil libertarian but if any politician proposes bringing back smoking in restaurants and outlawing cell phones he has my vote. I’d much rather eat in a room full of smokers than a room with people so insecure about themselves that they have to be reached at all times.

People do me a favor and I’ll do you one. Turn your Captain Midnight walkie talkie cell phone off in the restaurant while I’m eating and I won’t give your phone buddy a live demonstration of whether your cell phone can be heard from Uranus.